


come catch me

by akamine_chan



Series: The Life of Dinosaurs [3]
Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dinosaurs, Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Alternate Universe - Television Stars, M/M, SCIENCE!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 09:31:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6900508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akamine_chan/pseuds/akamine_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Outtakes from the <i>Life of Dinosaurs</i>: Frank and Gerard help relocate an <i>Allosaurus arcticus</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	come catch me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Go0se](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Go0se/gifts).



> Much thanks to Prophetic for excellent and amazing beta help! Title from _Millions_ by Gerard Way.
> 
> This story is for Go0se, as proof that some of us see Canada as more than America's hat. Also because they are just as into the dino-world-building as I am, and that definitely needs to be rewarded. Hope you enjoy this, bb. 
> 
> See the end notes for more information about Inuit culture, because I'm a nerd like that.

Frank's cell phone rang, and the _Allosaurus arcticus_ growled in response from outside the cage. Frank was in the middle of the cage, as close to equidistant from all the walls, but he still kept a wary eye on the dinosaur. It was fucking Opposite Day or something: the human locked up instead of the animal. "Hello?"

"Frank, you okay?"

It was Gerard, of course. In the background, Frank could hear Brian, steadily cursing Frank and generations of ill-bred and terminally stupid Ieros. Frank was in so much trouble it wasn't even funny.

He swallowed hard, trying to gather moisture in a throat dry from running in the icy air. "Yeah," The allosaurus shrieked and rattled at the bars of the cage with claws like daggers. "Well, as okay as I can be, anyway."

"What's your situation?"

"Well," Frank started. It was embarrassing, to be honest. "I'm inside the cage, of course, and the allosaurus can't get to me, thank fuck." The allosaurus opened its mouth, displaying teeth designed to tear and rend. It tried to get a good grip on the steel bars, but couldn't fit its head very far between them. It _yanked_ and the cage jerked a few feet across the snowy ground.

About 300 feet away, Frank could see the tundra rover where Brian, Gerard, Ray, Mikey, and their _A. arcticus_ expert, Kenojuak Ashevak, were safely ensconced, away from any allosaurus with big, gnashy teeth. There was a grinding sound, and Frank watched, alarmed, as the allosaurus chewed on one of the thick metal rods that made up walls of the cage.

"I'm safe for now, but it looks like with some effort, the allosaurus can get through the bars." He sat down on the ground and crossed his legs, because his knees were suddenly wobbly.

He could hear Kenojuak talking calmly in the background. "Well, Kenojuak says they can put a lot of pressure behind their bite, so yeah. The cage wasn't made to withstand a determined allosaurus with time on its. . .uh, claws," Gerard said.

"Ask him what the fuck happened," Brian said. "I swear to God, he told me he hit the mark. "

"I did!" Frank was indignant. "Tell Brian that I did!"

"Frank says he did," Gerard relayed.

Brian snorted. "Clearly not, since you almost got eaten and the rest of us had to run."

"The tranq dart hit the dino. I know it, because I'm fucking looking at the damn thing, it's still stuck in the allosaurus's hide."

Brian subsided with a grumble.

"Okay, well, that's a problem," Gerard said. "Do you think the dart didn't dispense the tranq, or that there's something wrong with the tranq itself? Maybe this particular _A. arcticus_ has a different reaction to the tranq?"

Frank brushed at the snow that had collected around the faux fur ruff of his hood and squinted at the allosaurus' flank. He could still see the level of colored fluid inside the syringe. "Uh, it looks like the dart failed to deliver the dose."

Gerard paused, and there was a hushed conference with Brian. "Okay, well, that's good and bad."

"Meaning?" Frank couldn't stop watching as the allosaurus continued to chew on the bars, occasionally pulling back to try a different angle of attack. It paused and sneezed, spraying bits of metal on the ground.

"The good is that the tranq didn't fail, and that the allosaurus isn't super idiosyncratic to the ketamine/medetomidine mix or anything like that."

The _but_ hung loud in the air, even over the hollow cellular connection.

"But if we dart it again, and the first dart triggers, the double dose will most certainly kill the allosaurus."

"Fuck." Frank didn't particularly want to get eaten, but at the same time, he didn't want to be responsible for killing the dinosaur. It had proved to be a nuisance to the local community, but that didn't warrant a death sentence. "Fucking fuckity fuck."

"Pretty much," Gerard agreed. "So, listen, you stay right where you are, and try to stay warm."

"Like there's anywhere for me to go," Frank muttered, but he made sure his parka was zipped up. He was properly dressed for the Arctic, fancy cold-weather gear that was lightweight and warm, layers of it. He'd be okay for a while.

"I'm gonna hang up, but I promise I'll call you back in exactly ten minutes, okay, Frank? We're going to work out a plan, and then we'll rescue you from the allosaurus."

Frank's stomach twisted at the idea of hanging up and being out of contact, but he didn't examine the thought too closely. Later. He could panic and freak out later, when he wasn't on the allosaurus' dinner menu. "Okay," he said, and he was momentarily pleased that his voice sounded steady and sure. "Ten minutes."

"Promise," Gerard said, and he'd never broken a promise to Frank, ever. The connection closed, and Frank took a deep, calming breath.

The allosaurus, possibly sensing Frank's worry, backed away from the bars with a roar, and paced around, sniffing at the base of the cage. "You're supposed to be in here," he told the allosaurus. "You're the one that's terrorizing Inuit townsfolk, not me. _I'm_ not the dangerous one in this scenario."

The allosaurus snorted and shook its head, fluffing up its feathers and baring its teeth in what had to be a threat display. "Yeah, that's pretty scary," Frank admitted. "I _am_ totally terrified."

Ten minutes seemed like forever. It _was_ forever when you were trapped in a large metal cage in the snow, being circled by an allosaurus that was pretty sure you'd make a tasty snack.

His phone rang again, and Frank almost fumbled it in his haste to answer it. "Yeah?"

"Well, we're kinda limited in what we can do, y'know? We can't open the cage with the allosaurus so near and there's no way to safely lure it away—"

The allosaurus was investigating the door, sniffing at the hinges. Frank watched warily. "Yeah, okay."

"Our only option is to dart the allosaurus again and hope for the best." Gerard sounded a little sad.

"I'm sorry." He _was_. _A. arcticus_ was a beautiful creature, a little over seven meters long from nose to tail-tip, and a supremely well designed Arctic super predator. It was covered with layers of white feathers, to preserve body heat and to allow it to blend into the landscape. It was one of the few carnivores that lived above the snow line, and this particular specimen simply had the misfortune of migrating into territory that included a human settlement.

The Nunavut government always tried to resettle dinosaurs that crossed human paths; it was actually a pretty successful technique. Kenojuak Ashevak was head of the Far North Dinosaur Relocation Program; she'd been tracking, capturing, tagging, and re-releasing dinosaurs for years and was generally recognized at the leading authority on dinosaur species living on the Canadian tundra.

She'd told Frank about growing up in the Arctic, the daughter of an extended Inuit family, with an insatiable hunger for knowledge. At seventeen, she'd left home for the white man's world, learning to live among strangers who looked askance at her round face and brown eyes. She attended college and earned a master's degree in wildlife management.

Kenojuak went back to Nunavut when she'd learned everything she could, and spent her life working to ensure the survival of _A. arcticus_.

Frank was sure that she was now regretting letting the _Life of Dinosaurs_ crew tag along on this assignment.

"It's more important that no one gets eaten," Kenojuak said, loud enough for Frank to hear.

"She's right," Gerard said. "Is there any way to maybe pull the first dart out?"

Frank studied the allosaurus. "If I had something to keep it distracted for a bit, like food, then maybe. Or if I don't mind losing an arm to it."

" _I_ mind," Gerard said testily.

"Well," Frank said philosophically, "whatever you're gonna do, you better do it fast. The damn thing is trying to pick the cage latch with its claws."

"Allosaurus tend to be escape artists, like moose," Kenojuak said.

"I thought it was meese," Mikey said, sotto voce.

Kenojuak continued like Mikey hadn't said anything. "Also, the allosaurus is supposed to be _inside_ the cage, not outside, with easy access to the latch. Last year an allosaurus managed to free itself from its enclosure at Ocean World by picking the lock, almost ate one of the keepers."

"Too bad it wasn't the owner," Gerard muttered.

"Oh, he was the one you punched, yes?" she asked, and Frank couldn't help but laugh at Gerard's huff of indignation.

" _Anyway_ ," Brian said loudly. "We've got a plan. I'm gonna dart that fucker again, and Frank, you need to be out of the cage and running as soon as the tranq takes it down."

" _But_ ," Gerard said, drawing the word out. "Not until we're sure the tranq has taken effect. Absolutely sure. Otherwise you _will_ get eaten, and I swear to God, if that happens, I'm going to fucking kill you. Do you understand me, Frank?"

Gerard sounded mad, but they'd been together long enough that Frank knew that when Gerard seemed angry, he was actually terrified. He nodded even though Gerard couldn't see him. "I won't get eaten, I promise."

"You better not, motherfucker. I'll never forgive you."

"I know." Gerard could hold a grudge for a long, long time. Frank took a deep breath and held it for a five count. "Let's do this."

Brian was the one who tranq'd the allosaurus with a second dart, because Gerard, being the better shot, stood on guard with the high power hunting rifle that was their last resort. It was a modified elephant gun, and while it wouldn't kill a medium-sized dinosaur like the _A. arcticus_ outright, it would do a lot of damage.

In the years they'd worked together, it'd only been fired once, and Frank really didn't want to go through that ever again.

The allosaurus wobbled a little, scratching at the dart, and somehow managed to look alarmed before it went down with a soft thud, a cloud of snow billowing around it.

"C'mon, Frank, move your ass," Brian hollered.

Frank fought with the latch for a moment, hands shaking. He cursed it roundly and that seemed to work, and he stumbled over his own feet in his haste to get out of the cage. He paused by the allosaurus, ignoring Brian's progressively more angry shouts, and pulled the original unexpended tranq dart out of its hide. Just in case.

"Frank, you fucker, get over here!"

Crouching by the dinosaur's head, he lifted an eyelid and checked for the pupillary light reflex. The pupil contracted, and the allosaurus' claws flexed. Frank listened to the slow, regular breathing, and was relieved. He was pretty sure that the allosaurus was going to be fine.

"Who's a good dinosaur? You are," he cooed, running the back of his knuckles down its snout before standing up and jogging toward the safety of the tundra rover.

Gerard didn't take his eye away from the optics mounted on top of the rifle until everyone was safely back on the rover. Then, and only then, did he flip the safety on and unload the rifle. He climbed aboard, stowed the gun back in its case, and locked it away before sweeping Frank into a bruising hug. "You fucker."

Frank let himself cling back, just a little. "I'm okay, Gee, I swear. Not a bite, not a scratch." He pretended to not notice the way Gerard trembled.

"Love you," Gerard said, and Frank nodded against his shoulder.

* * *

The second attempt went flawlessly; the allosaurus was darted and examined for parasites, weighed and measured.

" _Her_ ," Kenojuak said. "F9-1956."

Working quickly, they drew blood from the vein on the underside of F9-1956's tail, checked her teeth and claws, and took endless pictures documenting the particular pattern of ivory, white, and off-white feathers that she displayed.

Kenojuak fitted an indestructible radio tracker to F9-1956's ankle, and then they loaded the dinosaur carefully into the cage. Once that was done, it was a simple matter of loading the cage onto the all-terrain flatbed truck and driving it to the remote location that had been chosen to release the allosaurus.

"Well, F9-1956," Gerard said, patting her snout through the cage bars. "Enjoy your new home, and try to stay out of trouble, 'kay? I'm sure Kenojuak doesn't want to have to do this again with your feathery ass."

Kenojuak laughed and watched with fondness as the truck started up and trundled away. " _A. arcticus_ is pretty common in stories around here," she said as they walked toward their tundra rover.

"Really?" Gerard couldn't contain his interest.

"Oh, yes," she said. "One of our heroes, Kiviuq, often has to defeat the Ice Allosaurus in order to complete his quest. In the stories, the Ice Allosaurus is usually a trickster type, and Kiviuq has to struggle to defeat him."

"Cool," Frank said.

Kenojuak pointed to a section of the sky. "At one point, the Ice Allosaurus ended up there after a long, cold winter, each feather tip crusted by ice crystals, shining in the dark. . ."

"The stars," Gerard said, smiling.

"Yes," Kenojuak said warmly. "It's one of the reasons we try to keep the allosaurus safe. They're important to us."

They had a bit of a ride to the rendezvous point, where they would watch F9-1956 being released. "Tell us a story?" Gerard asked, and she nodded and cleared her throat.

"Long ago, when the world wasn't as it is today, there was a man, and a dinosaur. . ."

-fin-

**Author's Note:**

>  _Allosaurus arcticus_ is the dinosaur equivalent of a polar bear - they are large, solitary predators. They eat a lot of seals, and their feathers are amazing insulators.
> 
> Kenojuak is named after [Kenojuak Ashevak](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenojuak_Ashevak), one of the pioneers of modern Inuit art. She was amazing.
> 
> Info on [Inuit Mythology](http://www.inuitmyths.com/).
> 
> Here is Inuit [ storyteller](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obC22TGomBM) Michael Kusugak telling a story about [Kiviuq](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kiviuq).
> 
> Random bit of Inuit culture: lovely short video about [Inuit throat singing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLMlkjnYe0U), which includes the use of a _qilaut_ (an Inuit drum).
> 
> [Isuma](http://www.isuma.tv/) was the first and only native Inuit production/television company - they produced several Inuit-language movies (including the award winning _Fast Runner_ ). The company went bankrupt, but you can still watch a lot of their content for free, or with a donation.


End file.
